" My everything may not equal all of yours, but does it make it any less?"
In 1978, I came from my mama with nothing but a heartbeat and needs. All my learned behaviours were motivated by a hunger to feed these needs. However, as a baby and without aid - no amount of motivation would put a spoon in my mouth. So early on, pacifying my needs spilled over into being happy; WANTING to be happy meant depending on others outside myself to aid me in achieving this happiness.
Around 5 or 6, my dependency entered that transition period from dependency to independency, (e.g. my persona, likes/dislikes, etc.) began to surface. Although I was an individual from the start, I began to "indi - visualize" when I began elementary school.
Having already attended the most important schooling of my life in the first 5 or so years, I began carrying myself based off examples I experienced. My individuality was foundated on the people encountered, the ones who appealed most at that point.
Martin Luther King knew in the 60`s that morality couldn`t be legislated. Morality is learned while the chalk board is cleanest, while our minds are the freshest; the frailest. Thus, more dependant on "being" fed and not on "what" it is "getting" fed. Martin surmised correctly that everyone was not fed properly. Everyone`s ideal of what is moral may not be what the next person believes. Does ethnic background effect one`s ethies? History surmises it does.
"Life must be lived forward, but it can be understood backward."
As babies, we affiliate with the ones who raise us, who feeds and takes care of us. They are who we look up to. Depend on. I don`t believe any of us asked to be born. I don`t belief at all; blank we were born. Like magnets we clinged. Absorbing all our orbs could.
I came without nothing to this circumstance. My veins swam with needs that made me want to understand: Why I couldn`t swallow the lump that came when I saw her cry? Or why I cried when they "talked loud" at each other?
Ofcourse questions like these lined up in my subconscious mind, and my solitary audience surmised at answers.
I began to assimilate my life to these answers, sometimes, these answers are true.
Well, Hell, they`re all true, it`s either they work towards happiness or they don`t.
In my case, it brought me confusion: A decade removed from the civil rights bill being passed, I knew the claustophobic comfort of stares, whispers, and tension. The parade of fingers that couldn`t figure out how black and white made me, instead of grey...
This grey area of my life was hardly something to appreciate. How can you appreciate what you don`t understand? How important couldn an understanding be, in a situation as new to them as it was to me?
With the world that embraced me thinking in black and white, I only thought of it as mom and dad - they were my world. I slowly became them.
More him than her. Stepping on roaches. Even the babies.
So what, my shady world was grey? Why hate and criticize the only world I can appreciate?
It took coming to prison to realize, independency - individual dependence - is paramount to what we are and affiliate to, to what we assimilate with and how we appreciate the lessons in our lives.
The only person that questions you, is you. Trust yourself absolutely in all aspects.
I talk about myself, because its all about you.
Take with you what you can.