Convict - a sentenced criminal
politic - judicious, expedient; prudent, sagacious

Freitag, 3. Februar 2012

Seeking forgiveness from within prisonwalls

".... Recently, there were some articles talking about the "penalty" and judges being "rubber-stamp" enforces of the law...Some changes are happening that will effect every capital case. Justice Anthony Kenedy has switched up his opinion concerning the penalty and even said the law should not be able to lock people for life without parole and not give them no realistic chance of parole...
This is coming in wake, of prison being overcrowded and the number of people serving life sentences steady rising, right along with the costs to keep them there. You can see how money is short, just by the changes they are making in our diets, our supplies, they have changed meals to twice a day on some units...not here yet, but how long?

I`m not sure about that, or about how this change regarding capital cases will affect my case? I got my finger cressed, casue technically I was rubber-stamped, and I am not gonna depend on superstitions to convince the courts.
I got an ideal...tell me what you think?
Okay, I haven`t been able to communicate with my co-defendants on my case, there`s things they know that can help me, even if they don`t know they know it. Animosity is thick between us, for obvious reasons. I made their life hell too, took time from them that can`t be replaced... I don`t want it to be like that between us...not solely because I need their help, but because we need to heal too!

Crime is a two-way mirror that effects both parties...but convincing them of my sincerity will be difficult for all sorts of reasons: mainly, in part to the way we were raised...if you rat on your friends, revenge is a danger you face as a result. So part conscience and plain out fear could be an obstacle to opening up a line of communication with them. I don`t harbour any ill-will with them, I just want to learn what I can get my life back going as fast as possibly can... I can`t even make plans or set a goal beyond 20 years.
I need a date.
A definate date that I know when it comes, I`ll be free to move on, knowing full and well my past will be right in step, moving right along with me... So I`m not attempting to get out of my punishment.
My ideal is to get peace between him and me. After all is said it would be interesting knowing how he is doing, how he is holding up...he has 25 years, so in 9 years he will be discharging, I took 25 years away from him...how do you forgive that?
If you were to imagine that you have no family of your own, having nothing that you won personally, having visioned goals you`re all but helpless to pursue, dealing with these growing changes as you change yourself and grow older, as age makes some goals more realistically possible as decades pass you by...

What will the world be like in 2036, and will will my options be at 57? AND through all of that, where does love have room to roam or grow?..."

Christopher, letter stamped at January 11, 2012

Montag, 14. November 2011

Sharing Chris`s reaction on my dedication...

Sharing with you some lines from Christophers latest letter, his reaction and questions on my dedication to do this work...

"For me, I swim, but the hardships are wide and deep. It`s tough, but I keep turning the pages one at a time. I can only hope the end of this saga will come quick...This is a heavy book I`m carrying...old AND heavy

...You know I sit and think, what keeps you so dedicated to souls who`ve neglected themselves and wound up in a desperate situation? And you, neglect yourself to help those of us who in the MAJORITY; are helpless...beyond help, hopeless because their situation is set in concrete...Only time can ease our burdens.

So why do you neglect yourself? Of course, you wouldn`t say "neglect"...but do you think happiness in your personal life is worth the energy you spend in the aid of others? "Others" who are a tad bit better mentally, because of your sacrifice, but in NO way near to gaining the emotional happiness you give up? You would agree, you give more than you gain emotionally? Right?
How is this exchange effective emotionally?
Help me understand...if I remember correctly, your environment disapproved of all the time you spent sacrificing yourself, yet you let this encourage you to keep going on?...

Dienstag, 27. September 2011

I needed a smile..

...
Thanks for the postcard! Your warm regard is recieved with open arms. I needed a smile!
So how have you been? Its good knowing you are still standing - I know strength when I see it. Whats next for you? I`m sure you have been through some crazy trials this year...

Everything here is okay, nothing to worry about me... I`m surviving, which is one of the many things we have incommon...

I`ve been doing my best to stay busy..drawing and waiting for the football season to start. Been staying out of trouble, though...
I`ll have another hearing in November, to see if I can go back out to population..they`ve been letting a lot of people out so ( fingers crossed) hopefully I will be one in November...

I`ve gotten better in doing portraits, able to sell one here and there, to keep my hygiene and writing/art supplies out of the red..
It`s hard to get what they`re really worth in here, so I end up doing deals, believe it or not, the free world people aren`t the only ones who are saving pennies...

Montag, 14. Februar 2011

Still in struggle...

The last few months haven`t been good for me, or to me. My heart still beats and days that I dread, repeat themselves. I haven`t been well.
Your strength goes unquestioned...at times we may waver, but NOT one thing can be allowed to destroy our footing in life. On the surface, by all appearances, we can look to have everything together. We may downplay events in our lives as if they`re less intense than the reflection. But deep down, if we aren`t watchful it can ambush us...I say all this to say ...I`ve been going through some depression issues..no excuse for neglegting the letters, but it felt like a chore just getting up to eat...I had no appetite, ...no appetite for food, conversation, life...it seemed to just fall down on me from nowhere...we`ve been on lockdown for the past month.
I`m coming around...I know I shouldn`t be embarrased about it but I a. It seems no matter how hard I try to do things to help myself, to help others here, it`s never lasting...do you know that feeling? To be helpless...It`s like I can picture how good an idea is, see somebody else do it and it works for them...but me..
I end up with a broken leg...My karma is all messed up and there`s nothing that helps my luck..you know?
My mindstate is shock up right now, my confidence is ...non-existent...I haven`t been doing any writing or drawing...
How can I begin to doubt, you don`t care? I`d be crazy to believe otherwise, I know you care...
I was down and out for a minute...but we are still in this struggle together...

With warmth,
Chris

Sonntag, 31. Oktober 2010

Dear Friends

Dear Friends,

In two years, half of my life will be have been lived in the shadows of guardtowers and barbed-wire. It was in one moment, I came to be here; where fifteen years later at the age of thrirty-two, I`ve bcame well acquinted with remorse and cried a fair share of regrets. Despite the regret and remorse residing in my heart, neither hve made it possible to retrace steps; to that one moment at seventeen when my life was swallowed whole by a mistake.

Techincally in two years, it will have been a life-sentence for me. Nevertheless this isn`t the sort of life sentence the court intended on December 06, 1996. I reach out to the each of you with the highest hope you will help me conquer the goal in my heart: a second chance.
Friend or not, I want to do my part...and getting something for nothing will never be a part of me.

So individually, I encourage you to support me through a donation of your choosing for my artwork, or craftwork. Your donation will go towards my need to hire a lawyer who specializes in post-conviction remedies. Through your sacrifice you will be opening door of possibility... a possiblility at a second chance, my only wish.

Sincerely Yours,
Chris

I can be reahed through e-mail: www.jpay.com

I encourage you to open a line of communication with me. All ideas are good.

I can also be reached through my good friend Angela, who without her, even this door would be closed.

Poem, Portrait, Drawings, Dreamcatchers, Crosses, Bracelets,
Choose of offer an ideal -- I`ll deliver on my end.

Mittwoch, 27. Oktober 2010

observations on visits...

....When I was out in population, on the weekend it`s a popular thing to stand in the dayroom windows and watch as the visitor`s come down the sidewalk to the visitor`s area. Let me tell you, they come down that sidewalk in all manners. From young to old, limping and laughing, they come. From cartwheels to wheelchairs, they come. All for a person whom some can`t even touch and after a short time through glass or across a table, they say goodbye. It`s only after the visit is over, that they notice how much the other has changed; how their son or daughter looks so much bigger then the pictures taken, (capturing them growing up).. one picture at a time. One visit at a time, this is how some convicts witness their seeds progress. Some gone so long, that mama`s and daddy`s come, with their canes, their walkers, their cartwheel turning wheelchairs :-), a gray hair here, or there, where it wasn`t a decade ago.
Time barking in its silent voice. But they come, the ones whom didn`t rob that man, or rap that woman, the ones whom hand never touched one drop of a blood, but just as effected, as the ones whom find forgiving so difficult.
Yeah... you ought to see them kids coming down that sidewalk, coming to see the other half of their family, ...their daddy. Or even moms and dads coming to see a son, they won`t see again byond the gate, that traps them for that short moment of bonding.
But they come, till they can`t anymore...

taken from the letter from Oct. 4, 2010

What is love...

What is love,

An illusive ideal,
teasing, taunting
powering the distance,
insisting; wanting
Haunting us,
in our hours alone
departing with no word,
deserted in the morn,..
over cliffs,
crawl - waterfalls,
the "if" whta love is,
drifts and falls
As echoes only the memory can hear,
oh, how they survive from there to here.

What is love?
Love is what cures
yesterday`s sorrows,
giving us anchor,
in reflections we borrow
A quest through learning
scepting change,
reluctant but resilient,
is our purpose and pain..

What is love?
A reunion with purpose
you come to understand,
grateful of opportunity
when life is taken by the hand.
...It`s beyond the division,
of self from self,
love is the resch,
high up on the shelf,

What is love?
Love is that leap year joy,
we keep trying to time it -
But, love is the one asking
you, to define it.
What is love

October 20, 2010